“But if You Did Know….”

“But if You Did Know….”
A question to get your student talking

It’s 3:10 and your student finally makes it in the car. If your school and behavior questions are often met with shoulder shrugs, a blank stare, or the less than helpful “I dunno,” then you probably aren’t much closer to resolution or knowledge about the topic.  Seeking answers can be laborious when it feels like you are the only one really invested in solving the problem or pouring into the conversation. How can you get your child to find a solution to missing agendas, forgotten folders, or to just open up to you about their day? You may want to know all this information in the car or have an important discussion about an email you received at 2:00 from a teacher, but this can produce frustration and stalling. Use these tips to generate meaningful conversation with good timing:

1. If your student is in the habit of being less than talkative when they get in the car, avoid an onslaught of questions. Instead, make a positive statement or give a compliment, “I’m so glad to see you!” Then wait. Silence is good too.
2. Headed straight to a sports activity or long errand runs? Make sure they refuel. Bring snacks in the car or allot enough time to eat on the run. 
3. When your student is ready to engage, and this could be after homework or the stress of the day has diminished, open with a question about the topic you want to discuss. For example, if you know they have been working on behavior at lunch, you could ask, “What’s been better since last week during lunch?” instead of, “Did you get a red card today during lunch?”
4. And if this question gets a shoulder shrug, ask your student, “But if you did know?” This one powerful question can help students become their own detective to really think and begin to engage. 

A less than-sincere answer can feel like you are providing the solution and setting the goal for your child.  Digging for clues and making all the suggestions can feel like a one-way street with the parent doing 90% of the heavy lifting and the child offering a 10% effort at best.  

If you see this pattern, break the cycle with good timing and “But if you did know?” questions.

Ideally, when a person produces a solution to their own problem, there is more buy-in than if someone else solves the problem for them, which can include collaboration for big issue topics like tardiness, missing assignments, attitude, and sportsmanship to name a few. As much as you may want to jump in and offer the idea of posting a note on a mirror to remember school supplies, it would be ideal for your student to collaborate with you and come up with a fitting answer – his answer.  

By timing tough conversations well and leading with open-ended questions, you will set the tone for a more open conversation.