Building Emotional Muscle Through Confrontation

3rd – 5th graders will learn ways to not only ‘stand in someone else’s shoes’ (empathy), but will challenge themselves to confront unkind behavior amongst peers through partner sharing and whole group discussion. The pain of rejection is probably real to most adults, so it’s no surprise watching our children go through a similar experience can be provocative. However, only offering comfort and not teaching ways to confront the offender appropriately does not necessarily build emotional muscle in the long run and could potentially lead to a feeling of victimization in the classroom setting over time, according to one 2020 study by Yun and Juvenon.  An important equipping tool to build emotional muscle is to help students stand up for themselves when either intentionally or unintentionally something that caused hurt was said or done.

As students discuss ways to resolve hypothetical scenarios during guidance class, they are often quick to recognize how hurtful behavior will result in a consequence from a teacher/parent making that reasoning the main deterrent. While this statement is developmentally appropriate for Grammar age students, continuing to challenge students to make the consequences of conflict or rejection more personal by standing up for themselves can be key:

“When you sent that meme to others that made fun of me, you really hurt my feelings.”
“Saving seats for everyone but me, made me feel really left out today.”
“When you said what you did about my hair and everyone laughed, I didn’t appreciate that.”

This is tough to do at any age (depending on your personality) because the inclination to hide or minimize is very real. Of course, forgiveness and reconciliation are another piece of the story as a culture of support is built amongst peers. With developing emotional muscle, which takes practice like any developing muscle group, students can bravely stand up for themselves and others in ways that promote an end result of more kindness and healthier boundaries.

Yun, HY., Juvonen, J. Navigating the Healthy Context Paradox: Identifying Classroom Characteristics that Improve the Psychological Adjustment of Bullying Victims. J Youth Adolescence 49, 2203–2213 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-020-01300-3